Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.