Some people were born into their job.
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
monday
