Some people were born into their job.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
