Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
tag yourself
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great