Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
“no gods no masters” = leo
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being