Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

do u think theres a butter planet?

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.