Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
no one ever comes back
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*