Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

It was worth a shot 😂

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”