Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

Just had my nails done!

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?