Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
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Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
White parent Vs Arab parents
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil