Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Dune (2021)
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here