Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.