if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.