Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
こいつ天才
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”