ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
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rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.