I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
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I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Not all heroes wear capes….
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I believe the plural is “milves.”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok