Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
You Might Also Like
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
The devil.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Bringing home a sharpie
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.