Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro