Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it