Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

The sacred texts.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days