Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
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PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?