Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
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Buck naked
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Never forget.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
i was dropped as an adult
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen