Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.