Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”