Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
my professor scared me for a second
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.