Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.