“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
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When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Siri: Retweet me.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.