Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.