“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
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Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Driving in Europe vs Canada
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!