Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
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The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night