Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
You Might Also Like
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
this is the greatest thing ever
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
What flavor cupcake are these
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
