Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal