Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
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When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
This probably isn’t good
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Foo fighters still fighting foo.