Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter