Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

ㅤ

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE