Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
some things should go without saying
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.