Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I’m putting together a team
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.