Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Dear Lord..
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!