Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
i made a craigslist ad !
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“