Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Bob_Janke

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

@TheBoydP

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

@iwearaonesie

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

@Daniel_Sloss

If anyone says YOLO to me I say YOLBYPCFAC (You Only Live Because Your Parents Couldn’t Find A Condom). I hope it catches on…

@hippieswordfish

‘sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.’

what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?

@Reverend_Scott

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

@StellaRtwot

Amazon is selling used copies of 50 Shades….ewe

@TheCiscoKidder

I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.

@sixfootcandy

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

@LoneWolfStories

Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?