Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Just ordered me some pizza!
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!