Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators


I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.


“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said


If anyone says YOLO to me I say YOLBYPCFAC (You Only Live Because Your Parents Couldn’t Find A Condom). I hope it catches on…


‘sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.’

what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?


dog 911: what’s ur emergency?


dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass


I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.


I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.


Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?