my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
You Might Also Like
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
opening twitter today
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.