Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

ㅤ

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.