Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

I might carry a baby with one hand.

Lmao 😁

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what