some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
me: my friends:
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
What the hell happened in there??
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.