Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
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Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My safe word is Worcestershire
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
When your man makes a valid point
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.