Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*