Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
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Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him