Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
(Musicians.)
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
The news in a nutshell.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”