Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth