Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

Me: …
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

going to bed

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]