Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

My dad.

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker