Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

Yes my dude

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.