Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s