Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything