some things should go without saying
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No