some things should go without saying
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My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
That took me a moment.
Oddly specific
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.