some things should go without saying
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A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Möther may I have a snäck
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My mom texting me from an anime convention
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]