some things should go without saying
You Might Also Like
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant