Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Monday Lisa

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.