Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

look scared

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

The options really are this bad

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.