Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
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Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
when revenge coincides with naptime
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.