Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
#CoronaOutbreak
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Help
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Give a baker flours on your first date.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
