Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
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Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
dril cadence
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.