Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Are we there yet?…

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING