some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
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Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
2022 be like
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review