Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
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[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My boss called in sick of me
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.