Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

wtf management?!

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.