Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.