Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.