Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.