You Might Also Like
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.