Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
He’s cranky this morning
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”