Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
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When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!