Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
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Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake