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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking âooh whoâs this?!â when it arrives three seconds later.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasnât returned my text.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, âDaddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!â
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Weâre just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: Thereâs not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public đ«
Pharmaceutical ads really be like âHEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc theyâre probably so DUMB they havenât even THOUGHT of it YETâ
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
These aliens are taking forever.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that âpeople with tattoos canât get good jobsâ and now we all agree that âpeople with and without tattoos canât get good jobsâ.